Christmas Office Party – final
December,27 2009
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
TO:
All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5,
2009
RE:
The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as
you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m
hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes
can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting
Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6,
2009
RE:
Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Office Christmas Party – 4
December,21 2009
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
To:
All Employees
DATE: October 4,
2009
RE:
Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the
party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill
House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Office Christmas Party – 3
December,16 2009
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE: October 3,
2009
RE:
Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name.
I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Office Christmas Party – 2
December,14 2009
(Be sure to read all of them …)
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE: October 2,
2009
RE:
Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we’re calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Office Christmas Party – 1
December,13 2009
(Be sure to read all of them….)
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE: October 1,
2009
RE:
Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel
free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00
PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Muslim belief?
December,10 2009
This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in the prison ministry.
The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the United States, especially amongst the minority races!!!
Last month I attended my annual training session that’s required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant, and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their beliefs.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say.
The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video.
After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: ‘Please, correct me if I’m wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that’s the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?’
There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, ‘Non-believers!’
I responded, ‘So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a place in heaven. Is that correct?’
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.’
He sheepishly replied, ‘Yes.’
I then stated, ‘Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith, or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!’
The Imam was speechless!
I continued, ‘I also have a problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me ask you a question: Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?’
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.
Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the Diversification training seminar were not happy with my way of dealing with the Islamic Imam, and exposing the truth about the Muslims’ beliefs.
In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. to elect the President! I think everyone in the U.S. should be required to read this, but with ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on!
This is your chance to make a difference…
FOR GODS’ SAKE! PLEASE SEND THIS ON!
Godspeed
Webpastor B
Two wolves
December,10 2009
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
“One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
“The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Godspeed
Webpastor B
WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE FAITH – Hebrews 11
June,7 2009
Introduction:
A. [A tourist came too close to the edge of the Grand Canyon, lost his footing and plunged over the side, clawing and scratching to save himself.
- After he went out of sight and just before he fell into space, he stumbled upon a scrubby bush which he desperately grabbed with both hands.
- Filled with terror, he called out toward heaven, "Is there anyone up there?"
- A calm, powerful voice came out of the sky, "Yes, there is."
- The tourist pleaded, "Can you help me? Can you help me?"
- The calm voice replied, "Yes, I probably can. What is your problem?"
- "I fell over the cliff and am dangling in space holding to a bush that is
about to let go. Please help me."
- The voice from above said, "I'll try. Do you believe?"
- "Yes, yes, I believe."'
- "Do you have faith?"
- "Yes, yes. I have strong faith."
- The calm voice said, "Well, in that case, simply let loose of the bush and everything will turn out fine."
- There was a tense pause, then the tourist yelled, "Is there anyone else up there?"]
B. It’s one thing to talk about faith – it’s quite another to act on faith.
- Beginning today and running through the summer we are going to discover what it means to have Faith for Everyday Living.
- I want to try to help you to discover what faith is, and how it can help you in your struggle to be everything that you can be in Christ.
- Today, we simply want to get a grasp on what faith is — and there isn’t just one easy way to define it, so the next weeks we are going to define it with six different statements that are derived from the 11th chapter of the book of
Hebrews:
FAITH IS…
1. … BELIEVING WHEN I DON’T SEE IT
[It seems the pastor's small son was told by his mother that he should wash his hands because there were germs living in all that dirt.
- He refused and complained: "Germs and Jesus! Germs and Jesus! That's all I ever hear around this house and I've never seen either one."]
- “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
- It sounds like a contradiction, but the Bible teaches that faith is visualizing the future in the present.
- It’s being sure of what you don’t see – It is seeing it in advance.
- Man says: “Seeing is believing.” God says: “Believing is seeing.”
- [In 1960, JFK stood up and said: "Let's put a man on the moon by the end of the decade."]
- When he said that, the technology had not been invented to put a man on the moon – But some things have to be believed before you can see them.
- You’ve got to believe it in advance.
- Everything that’s happened in life was an impossibility before it became a reality and somebody had to believe it.
- Faith is simply trusting God to turn dreams into reality.
- Because nothing happens until somebody believes it’s possible.
- What do you see in your own future? What is your dream? What impossible thing is God going to do in your life?
- You have to have faith that it is going to happen for it to happen – you have to be certain that God can and will do these things in your life.
- What do you envision as the future of this church? – what can we be sure of, what can we know with certainty that God is going to do through us?
- I can tell you what I can see by faith – I can see a beautiful church facility built to the glory of God – I see a church ministering to hundreds, perhaps thousands, reaching the unchurched for Jesus Christ, discipling them to maturity – I see us training workers for the harvest and sending them out onto the mission field and to plant churches.
- I don’t think this is going to happen – I know it by faith – I can see it as clearly as I can see these words this morning.
Godspeed
Webpastor B
GRACE
June,7 2009
A man from Norfolk , VA called a local radio station to share this on Sept 11th, 2003, TWO YEARS AFTER THE TRAGEDIES OF 9/11/2001.
His name was Robert Matthews.. These are his words:
A few weeks before Sept. 11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I said ‘amen,’ we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. We had blown out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her flight.
both very upset, we drove home.
I received a call from my father who was retired NYFD. He asked what my wife’s flight number was, but I explained that we missed the flight..
My father informed me that her flight was the one that crashed into the southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My father also had more news for me; he was going to help. ‘This is not something I can’t just sit by for; I have to do something.’
I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his mind was made up. Before he got off of the phone, he said, ‘take good care of my grandchild. Those were the last words I ever heard my father say; he died while helping in the rescue effort.
My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered quickly became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself. I had gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got to say good-bye.
Then something happened. About two months ago, I was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door. I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn’t expecting anyone. I opened the door to a couple with a small child.
The man looked at me and asked if my father’s name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was. He quickly grabbed my hand and said, ‘I never got the chance to meet your father, but it is an honor to meet his son.’
He explained to me that his wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people like this. He then said, ‘there is something else you need to know.’
His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him and led him to Christ. I began sobbing at the news.
Now I know that when I get to Heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves .
When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew, in honor of the man who gave his life so that a mother and baby could live.
This story should help us to realize this: God is always in control.
We may not see the reason behind things, and we may never know this side of heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control.
Please take time to share this amazing story. You may never know the impact it may have on someone. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures Forever.
Psalm 136:1
Godspeed
Webpastor B
Think about it…
April,24 2009
Proverbs 22,1-2 A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
2 Rich and poor have this in common: The LORD is the Maker of them all.
Godspeed
Webpastor B
